I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
