I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
