When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
