ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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