I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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