Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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