what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
