I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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