They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
