woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
