I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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