nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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