You can't motorboat a personality
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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