Since when is my name a synonym for head?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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