I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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