After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
