Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Randomize
