He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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