now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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