So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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