She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
