Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
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