In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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