right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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