I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
