you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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