drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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