Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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