Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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