just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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