i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
did i just pee glitter
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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