ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
