his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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