So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
