Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm at about main and main street
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
