i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
