Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I'm passing your future prison.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
