You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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