Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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