His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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