How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
