no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
