Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
