explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize