His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
