Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
