I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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