There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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