I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
