just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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