You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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