Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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