he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
