Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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