it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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