I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
