Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
