in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
