Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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